Fall 1999...The Turning Point

By October 1999 D and I had burned up the phone lines. I wanted to see him and flew in for a weekend on October 8th.
 We spent every waking moment living life together for 3 days. We loved each other. I have very fond memories of that short getaway.
 We had cruised around in his "loaned out" car from place to place. D was 6'2", weighed over 200 lbs and drove a Ford Festiva. We laughed many times about this and as I type I am smiling still. His aunt Agnes was gracious and kind enough to lend it to him as he was left with nothing more than a suticase of clothing and a few personal items. D had shared that the ex-wife had the house, everything in the house, the car, half of all of the retirement monies and the kids. She also received child support and alimony totaling approximately $1000/mo. This was not enough. It would never be enough. This was an individual who had made sexual abuse allegations against D. Their beautiful, precious daughter, at the hands of her mother, without D knowing (in the beginning), was taken to "specialists" and underwent testing, questioning and physical assessments. There was a trial and D "won" the trial. What an oxymoron. There had been no proof of any abuse and all investigation led to negative findings. The judge (finally one who was looking at the whole picture) had mentioned her thoughts of placing the mother in jail and giving full custody to the father. This would never be the case. Eventually the ex-wife placed a formal complaint against this judge and she could never sit in on their case again. This legal battle was favoring the alienating parent at the cost of the children.
  Time stood still it seemed. D had not seen his son and daughter in 6 months yet he was paying in full, his child support and his alimony. This dark cloud was getting larger.
We spoke in depth about our future together and pondered me moving to Canada vs him moving to the USA. Were I to move, my income could be used as household income and a portion could possibly be allocated to the increasing support should the ex-wife choose to take it to court. Well we certainly knew that would be highly probable. All conversations circled back to his children. In the end it was about them.
  He missed them terribly and felt he wanted to try to get somewhere in the legal system before making any decisions. D had paid over $40K in support, over $20K in legal fees and owed the attourneys another $30K. He also had a credit card debt of approximately $5K (NOTICE: the attourneys' fees were higher than the support costs...this money could have been shared among the parents...these legal battles cause irreparable damage to the children and the firms stay in business). Prior to my knowing him, D had lived on welfare for a year due to court ordered support payments that were the result of false income statements. The Maintenance Enforcement Act allowed wages to be garnished as long as the individual who owed support was left with $250.00/mo to live on. This was legal and it was very real. I saw the actual scale on paper. I was dumbfounded. D's family was so supportive. The emotional support was crucial. I am grateful he had the family that he did. I only knew bits and pieces of this ordeal and it did not take a rocket scientist to figure out the gross injustice that had taken place and was continuing to occur. I would read some of the legal documents or hear the goings on and would simply shake my head in disbelief. It was amazing to me that this was allowed to continue within the court system. Was no one paying attention? It baffled my mind to say the least. What apathy!  
  The kind, gentle, sensitive man that I had grown to love and know was beyond broke and was becoming "broken".  He was a man of honor and he would have to make some gut wrenching decisions.  D filed Bankrupt in the Fall of 1999.  
  Shortly thereafter he managed to get a court date in family court and represented himself. His main goal was to attempt to make some progress, no matter how small, toward reunification with his children. The judge clearly stated that no decision would be made that day and D did not even have the opportunity to utter one single word. He was so upset. This would allow more time to pass and the alienation would gain strength. Some of his extended family was in the court room for support. They could not believe the injustice that had just occurred. They had lost all faith in the so called "justice system".
   D wanted to fight for what was just and reunify with his kids but that was becoming increasingly more and more difficult. He could not live on what was left at the end of the month. He had no money to pay an attourney. The court system was and is part of the illness of parent alienation.  The attorneys, judges, psychologists etc. do not understand the magnitude of this problem. Few are specialists in the area. You are a number on any given day. The docket is full. Next!
 D decided to go visit the psychologist, Dr. G who had been involved at some level during this ongoing court battle between he and his ex-wife. D was so torn. She  basically told him that from what she knew of his ex-wife, this would never end. She supported him in wanting a life. D shared with her that his son was already becoming physically ill from all of this. The school teacher had expressed this concern earlier in the Fall. The children were already alienated from D and it was getting worse as time went on. She encouraged him to take care of himself as well. He wanted to end the pain and suffering his children had gone through during the course of this lengthy court battle. 10 months or so had passed since he last saw his son and daughter.
  A decision was reached. Child/spousal support payments would stop and he would leave Canada.

PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.

D's Vacation to the USA.

Once back home I found myself missing D quite a bit. I had a great job, good friends and loved being the mom to my two imaginative, healthy boys. I loved my life and was unsure how it would unfold with us living countries apart. D flew in to see us for two weeks on August 21st, 1999.
  He volunteered at the school I worked at, we took a road trip to Vegas, he met some friends of ours and we spent endless hours swimming and playing in our community pool with the boys. We wanted a future together. No concrete plans were made yet on how that would be made possible. We would enjoy what we had.
  I had joint custody of the boys but they were with me full time. Their father Paul lived within a mile of them...however was on a different path in life than we were. Our home was always open to him and I knew he loved his children tremendously. I welcomed him when I saw him and respect for one another was key. We both honored our children and wanted their world to be as painless as was possible in a divorced situation. I loved him as their father and as a person. I wanted a good life for him as well.
  I informed Paul back in June that I had met someone and that I was in a relationship with this person. It was important to me that he meet the person that had been and would be spending time with his children. They did meet. We were all respectful of each other and spent a little time together. The boys' emotional and psychological wellbeing was my absolute priority. I believed we were all on the same page as far as that was concerned. I was truly grateful for how Paul handled the news. He placed his children ahead of himself. I am grateful to this day.
 The vacation for D came to an end and we found ourselves 2000 miles apart once again.

PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.

Where Our Journey Began

I met D on June 12th of 1999 through a mutual friend of ours. We were set up and neither of us was prepared for this type of "blind" meeting. Both of us were nervous and did not expect anything to go beyond a hello and a few words. I was actually upset with my friend Tammy for springing this on me once I arrived at her house warming party. I lived in the USA and was only in Canada visiting family for a few weeks and D lived in Canada with no intention of ever leaving. We spoke a few cordial words at the party and that was it. We mingled with several other people throughout the evening and went our separate ways.
  I was divorced 2 years earlier and spent my time focused on raising my 2 wonderful, energetic sons. D, I knew was also divorced and had 2 children that he hadn't seen for a few months. D's brother Steve, whom I'd also just met, actually spoke to me at length at this house party and expressed to me that he didn't know anyone that could go through what his brother was going through and not be filled with anger and hatred. He said good things about his brother.
 I was intrigued by the fact that we barely spoke. I pondered calling him for several days. I figured I might at least gain another friend. I did not have to call as I ran into him a few days later.
 We conversed for a short while that evening, agreed on maybe getting together for a coffee and again, parted ways.
 The coffee date came and went. We talked until 0100. I have a vivid memory of D speaking about his children and his ex wife and never once becoming angry or upset talking about her. He said nothing derogatory. This impressed me and I wanted to get to know him better.
  We spent as much time as we could together. One afternoon D called me and I happened to be in his end of town with my boys. I asked about possibly having coffee. He said sure and asked where. I said, "Well I was thinking your place." He paused and said in an uncertain tone, "My place?" I continued, "Yes your place unless you don't want us to come to your place?" I found this a little odd. D agreed and we met him at his one bedroom apartment.
 The reason he had not wanted us to come to his place was because his apartment had been furnished with hand me down furniture and appliances as well as an old couch that was ready for the dump. He pointed out that the VCR was a gift to his children from their paternal grandfather. He owned nothing but his bicylcle parked in the kitchen and a few items of clothing. He continued to say that he really had nothing to offer to anyone and would understand if I would say goodbye now. All of his earnings were being spent on child/spousal support and his custody battle for his children. He did not care about anything material at that point. My heart went to him. I so felt his pain.
 I was really starting to care about this very gentle, soft spoken and humble person. He was good with my kids, respectful to my family, close to his family and he was such a gentleman.
 We went to the movies, the Pan Am pool, BBQ's, his mother's lake cottage, we camped with my family, I met his family and friends, we golfed, we went out to eat, we laughed, we conversed and I was falling in love. July 7th I wrote in my journal that it was so great to be with him and that, "He seems to be too good to be true. Only time will tell I guess." July 9th read, "He feels so right. What a great mate. He's fantastic with the kids too. It seems almost impossible that I have come across Mr. Right."
  I had been treated with such respect and kindness. I extended my vacation until the 26th of July.  I did not want my vacation to end.

PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.

Preface of Our Story and Parent Alienation Syndrome.

I will write a brief summary of how and where it all started for me being the partner of a father who was being and is alienated from his children. I will express what I have witnessed from the day I met D and then lead up to current day. My goal is to share my days with all of you who may be going through any form of this as well. We are the family that is on the sideline watching the one we love so much have their life and heart torn completely apart. This affects everyone...especially the children in the center. This is for them.
  There are many levels of alienation and D's happens to be one in the "severe" category. I would like to hear from any family member affected at any level.
 I will eventually disclose who we are as we are also in the process of creating a documentary surrounding this exact topic. I am treading lightly as I commence this journey. I am keeping it close to my chest at this point but I know that that is changing. Thus this BLOG. Please bear with me. We are B and D at this time. I must run off to work so I will post the beginnings of our life together once I return. Have a great day everyone!

PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.

Good Morning to Everyone!

Well here it is the first day of this blog. I am excited and yet a little nervous as I am new at this. Always willing to take on a challenge for the positive outcome and awareness it may bring. I feel so strongly about advocating for all of the kids (of all ages) out there who have been abused in this way that is acceptable to our legal system. Let's be real...this IS abuse...mental, emotional and psychological abuse. AND it is allowed to occur without legal consequence to the offending person/people. I speak generally at all times as I realize there may be some exceptions out there. I have created this blog as the beginning and ongoing communication with folks out there who are in the same position as D (my husband) is or knows someone who is. This could include any children of a divorce or separation, grandparents/parents of those children and anyone who may be affected in any capacity by Parent Alienation Syndrome and/or the injustices/complacency within the family court system. We need to shed a bigger light on this topic as it continues to occur. I welcome you to share your thoughts and experiences or any questions you may have. I will share more of what is going on in our world with this subject as time goes on.

PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.