We were both so ready to tackle this. It had gone on long enough. We reflected on the previous 10 years and were grateful for the time we had been given. D was ready to have some resolution to this "dark cloud" that had followed us everywhere. We would no longer consider it dark. He was on a quest for what was just.
What more could he lose? Nothing! He had lost the most important part of his life...his young children. They were now grown. A large portion of their childhood had been ripped away from them and him. Not much has changed in the broken system that is known as the family court system. In the end it seems to be about who can tell the best story to convince the judge. Justice seems to be seconday. If you pay your court ordered support you are seen as a good parent. It matters not that you don't see your children. As long as you pay you will stay out of the system. Money is the key to so many doors there. We harbor no anger. We are just very aware of what he is up against. D has no money and no attourney. He does however have strength, faith and hope in himself. That cannot be stripped from him.
There was a time that I had told D that we could just pay a big chunk of it off with some of my retirement money. Let's just throw money at it and it would go away. That would never be an option. It was about principle for him. The spousal support was half of that debt and he stated that that should never have continued to accrue. D was spending most of his time and money in the courts fighting for visitation of his kids that he did not pay much attention to the spousal support. That was simply not his priority.
So much needed to be addressed and settled before any money would be paid. D was ready to do whatever was needed to settle this once and for all. D owed and wanted to pay his child support. That had never been in question. He stopped paying it fully as his children were being held and alienated from him so many years ago. He chose to not continue to fund the battle against him.
Now that A and R were grown, D hoped that they could receive the child support money rather than Sharon. Several requests would be made and he would not settle until the courts paid attention.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Next Decade
D and I have been married 10 years. Ten fabulous years. Ten years without his children being a part of our wonderful family. Ten years knowing what would eventually be ahead. We made our choices and we were very aware. D started the process of this quest we would find ourselves on.
I went to Canada in mid January, 2011 to visit with my family for a late Holiday. When I came back I knew he was ready to face this challenge. We were sitting on the couch catching up. We loved spending time with each other. I could be anywhere on this beautiful planet and feel absolute happiness. Having D by my side would make it perfect!
D had actually tried to get the legal ball rolling with Reagan back in the fall of 2010. He had instructed D to fax the totals of the past 10 years of earnings and he did. Reagan was not heard from again despite several calls and voicemails left for him by D.
D's sister K offered to help him in the new year. She was an attourney new to family law. She asked for his last 10 years of tax returns. He expressed to me that he told K he did not have his taxes from the past 10 years. K went on to tell him that this would not look good to the courts. As I sat looking at him I asked, "You lied to your sister?" His response was, "Yes." I repeated the question again and it was the same answer. My facial expression, I am certain, was one of disbelief. I went on to say, "I can't believe you lied to your sister. Why are you lying? Don't lie. That is not you." He replied with such conviction, "It's not that I want to lie, I just didn't want to discuss it with her. I am sick and tired of being asked to provide documents to the courts and everytime I do they are used against me. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not giving them my tax returns. Sharon was asked to provide all kinds of financials and never did. Nothing was ever enforced and mine were always used against me."
I had never heard him speak like that. I knew he was in a place of strength and he was mentally prepared for the task that lay before him. I told him I supported him 100% in whatever he needed to do to put this all behind him.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
I went to Canada in mid January, 2011 to visit with my family for a late Holiday. When I came back I knew he was ready to face this challenge. We were sitting on the couch catching up. We loved spending time with each other. I could be anywhere on this beautiful planet and feel absolute happiness. Having D by my side would make it perfect!
D had actually tried to get the legal ball rolling with Reagan back in the fall of 2010. He had instructed D to fax the totals of the past 10 years of earnings and he did. Reagan was not heard from again despite several calls and voicemails left for him by D.
D's sister K offered to help him in the new year. She was an attourney new to family law. She asked for his last 10 years of tax returns. He expressed to me that he told K he did not have his taxes from the past 10 years. K went on to tell him that this would not look good to the courts. As I sat looking at him I asked, "You lied to your sister?" His response was, "Yes." I repeated the question again and it was the same answer. My facial expression, I am certain, was one of disbelief. I went on to say, "I can't believe you lied to your sister. Why are you lying? Don't lie. That is not you." He replied with such conviction, "It's not that I want to lie, I just didn't want to discuss it with her. I am sick and tired of being asked to provide documents to the courts and everytime I do they are used against me. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not giving them my tax returns. Sharon was asked to provide all kinds of financials and never did. Nothing was ever enforced and mine were always used against me."
I had never heard him speak like that. I knew he was in a place of strength and he was mentally prepared for the task that lay before him. I told him I supported him 100% in whatever he needed to do to put this all behind him.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Contact With His Son
Apart from the cards D sent on birthdays and Christmas holidays, no attempt at any other form of communication had been made until years later. D found out that his son A worked at a particular Walmart. Family members had run into him there but no actual conversations took place. D called A at his work place one time and did actually speak with him briefly. He was polite and let D know that he was not interested in any communication/relationship with his father. As hurtful as it was for D, he honored and respected his son's wishes and also understood. This was no surprise. A's home phone # had been changed and was unlisted from many years.
I also made contact during one of my many trips to Canada. My sister in law came with me for support. This was not something I took lightly. A was now 18 years of age yet I wanted to be mindful of his feelings as we had no idea what they had been told all of these years. I approached him in the department where he worked. I addressed him by his name and had his attention. I introduced myself as his father's wife B and asked if there was any way possible he would communicate by email or phone with his father. He replied, "I'm all set with that. I don't want to have anything to do with that family." These words were so clear and they pierced. What could he possibly know about "that" family?
I continued with, "You may not know the accurate information about what has happened all of these years." I did not want to imply that he had been lied to. I was not there to denigrate anyone. He responded with, "I know enough. We don't need to be having this conversation." I was slowly walking away and stated, "I respect that but I believe you may not really know what happened." I said goodbye, turned around and walked away. Calling D that evening to inform him of what had happened was not easy.
There had been no communication with the children during their childhood because of all of the legal restraints. So much time had passed. So much damage had been done. These two kids had lost years of wonderful paternal experiences with a great man that loved them so much. How tragic!
The last attempt at communicating with his son A was on Facebook. He had a public profile and it was wonderful to be able to see pictures of him and his life on a public site.
D called me over to the computer late one evening. He actually got me out of bed. His son had responded to him on the Facebook email and he wondered what he should do next. He had so many mixed feelings and needed time to process this. D had invited him to play a game but D's Facebook identity was not his real name.
This email would be very time sensitive. We knew it needed to be an impactful email as this would probably be a one shot deal. Here is the last string of communication with A exactly as it occurred several days later:
We understood that he only knew what he had been told by those whom he loved in his life. A's profile on Facebook was made private after the last email.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
I also made contact during one of my many trips to Canada. My sister in law came with me for support. This was not something I took lightly. A was now 18 years of age yet I wanted to be mindful of his feelings as we had no idea what they had been told all of these years. I approached him in the department where he worked. I addressed him by his name and had his attention. I introduced myself as his father's wife B and asked if there was any way possible he would communicate by email or phone with his father. He replied, "I'm all set with that. I don't want to have anything to do with that family." These words were so clear and they pierced. What could he possibly know about "that" family?
I continued with, "You may not know the accurate information about what has happened all of these years." I did not want to imply that he had been lied to. I was not there to denigrate anyone. He responded with, "I know enough. We don't need to be having this conversation." I was slowly walking away and stated, "I respect that but I believe you may not really know what happened." I said goodbye, turned around and walked away. Calling D that evening to inform him of what had happened was not easy.
There had been no communication with the children during their childhood because of all of the legal restraints. So much time had passed. So much damage had been done. These two kids had lost years of wonderful paternal experiences with a great man that loved them so much. How tragic!
The last attempt at communicating with his son A was on Facebook. He had a public profile and it was wonderful to be able to see pictures of him and his life on a public site.
D called me over to the computer late one evening. He actually got me out of bed. His son had responded to him on the Facebook email and he wondered what he should do next. He had so many mixed feelings and needed time to process this. D had invited him to play a game but D's Facebook identity was not his real name.
This email would be very time sensitive. We knew it needed to be an impactful email as this would probably be a one shot deal. Here is the last string of communication with A exactly as it occurred several days later:
How do I know you
Hi A I am your father... My Love for you and your sister is greater than you may know... Please give me an opportunity to communicate with you... I want the best for you and R..I miss you both so much!!!
For a lot of reasons I doubt that. I'm not interested in having a relationship with someone who decided deserting me and my sister was a good idea. Run away from child support payments, good idea. To where the U.S.
I respect your words. I never abandoned you or your sister, I fought very hard to be in your lives to no avail. I lost my two young children! The legal fight was taking a toll on you and R. At the time I based my decision on your emotional and physical health. I felt it would be best for you two if someone stopped the legal, custody battle. That was me. I have no other biological children and I always wanted you two to be part of my entire family. I am afraid that you may be very misinformed regarding all of the facts and history surrounding the circumstances of the divorce and custody battle. All of it can be found in the public records. I wish I could be the one to share my side of everything that transpired. You owe me nothing but you owe it to yourself and your sister to find out the truth. I am sorry for your pain. If you find out the true facts, some of the pain may be alleviated for you and R. This is what I hope for. I have only yours and your sister's best interest in mind.
We understood that he only knew what he had been told by those whom he loved in his life. A's profile on Facebook was made private after the last email.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Contact With His Daughter
During our 10 years of marriage there had been many trips that I had taken without D. He could not fly without a passport. He could however cross by land. The few road trips that we did do together, D would feel sick to his stomach 2 states before the border. He truly disliked being in Winnipeg as he was in the same city that his children lived in and he could not be anywhere near them. He preferred not being there.
Years back, D had a "hold" placed on his Canadian passport application due to his support arrears. We could never travel outside of the USA by air nor sea.
He missed many functions that his and my family had...weddings, milestone birthdays, anniversaries, births, funerals and special gatherings.
I would try to represent him at many of these but let's face it, his absence was felt by everyone. I certainly was not filling his shoes.
I had told D that I would try to see his daughter R, during one of my visits. He had not seen any quality photographs of her for many years. The school was not allowing him to order any school pictures since the year 2000. Sharon had gone to the school that year after D had left his children Christmas gifts on their desks. Per the school personnel, she had told them that D had a court order preventing him from coming near them and ordering pictures was a part of that. This was not quite factual information. D tried to explain this to the school but it fell on deaf ears. They were afraid of what she might do so they obliged Sharon with no legal papers to support this.
I did see his daughter walking home from school and called D as she proceeded to her house. We did not want to frighten her. She was probably 11 or 12. I remember telling D over the phone that she was tall and slim, had long dark hair and that she was beautiful. I shared with him that she was sort of skipping along as she was going home. This made him happy as he felt that she had some joy and innocence of youth about her. He cried on the phone.
Several years later I would actually make contact with R on the street near her home. She would be about 14 or 15 at that time. I was waiting for his son but I must have missed him somehow. I had not intended on seeing nor speaking to R. I called out her name from across the street and she stopped and turned around. She said, "Who are you?" She looked at me with her head tilted sideways and a puzzled look on her face. This vision is forever etched in my mind and so vivid. She did not appear to be afraid. I told her that I was a friend of her father's and that he loved her very much. With that, she turned back around and walked in a hurried fashion toward home. She never looked back.
During the month of her birthday in 2011 D emailed her on Facebook. He had been able to see her prfile picture at least and she changed it a few times. Her profile was private. It was nice to see her as she was now. She was stunning. All of his photos were from over 11 years ago. D had expressed that it was somewhat painful to see his children's photographs as adults as the only memories he had in his mind were of small children.
He wished her a happy birthday, told her that he loved and missed her and had hoped that she had received his card that he had sent.
He did not expect to hear back and has not to this day.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
Years back, D had a "hold" placed on his Canadian passport application due to his support arrears. We could never travel outside of the USA by air nor sea.
He missed many functions that his and my family had...weddings, milestone birthdays, anniversaries, births, funerals and special gatherings.
I would try to represent him at many of these but let's face it, his absence was felt by everyone. I certainly was not filling his shoes.
I had told D that I would try to see his daughter R, during one of my visits. He had not seen any quality photographs of her for many years. The school was not allowing him to order any school pictures since the year 2000. Sharon had gone to the school that year after D had left his children Christmas gifts on their desks. Per the school personnel, she had told them that D had a court order preventing him from coming near them and ordering pictures was a part of that. This was not quite factual information. D tried to explain this to the school but it fell on deaf ears. They were afraid of what she might do so they obliged Sharon with no legal papers to support this.
I did see his daughter walking home from school and called D as she proceeded to her house. We did not want to frighten her. She was probably 11 or 12. I remember telling D over the phone that she was tall and slim, had long dark hair and that she was beautiful. I shared with him that she was sort of skipping along as she was going home. This made him happy as he felt that she had some joy and innocence of youth about her. He cried on the phone.
Several years later I would actually make contact with R on the street near her home. She would be about 14 or 15 at that time. I was waiting for his son but I must have missed him somehow. I had not intended on seeing nor speaking to R. I called out her name from across the street and she stopped and turned around. She said, "Who are you?" She looked at me with her head tilted sideways and a puzzled look on her face. This vision is forever etched in my mind and so vivid. She did not appear to be afraid. I told her that I was a friend of her father's and that he loved her very much. With that, she turned back around and walked in a hurried fashion toward home. She never looked back.
During the month of her birthday in 2011 D emailed her on Facebook. He had been able to see her prfile picture at least and she changed it a few times. Her profile was private. It was nice to see her as she was now. She was stunning. All of his photos were from over 11 years ago. D had expressed that it was somewhat painful to see his children's photographs as adults as the only memories he had in his mind were of small children.
He wished her a happy birthday, told her that he loved and missed her and had hoped that she had received his card that he had sent.
He did not expect to hear back and has not to this day.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
A Renewed Outlook!
Ahhhhh! A new year. The landscape of our life would be altered. We knew it and we embraced it. Unsure what it would look like, the end result was our focal point. Justice for D.
D had actually come to terms with possibly never having any type of relationship with his children. He was certain of the contamination that had continued for years in his absence. It had been going on in his presence. No one could possibly be privy to what had been said to his son and daughter but we were sure that it would have a profound and lasting effect on them.
D knew that he could not alleviate all of their pain no matter what he would say or do. We could not even imagine what was going on in their minds. They only knew what they'd been told. His hope was to at least get a moment to approach them once he was back in Canada. He would honor their reaction and continue to seek the justice that was long overdue him.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
D had actually come to terms with possibly never having any type of relationship with his children. He was certain of the contamination that had continued for years in his absence. It had been going on in his presence. No one could possibly be privy to what had been said to his son and daughter but we were sure that it would have a profound and lasting effect on them.
D knew that he could not alleviate all of their pain no matter what he would say or do. We could not even imagine what was going on in their minds. They only knew what they'd been told. His hope was to at least get a moment to approach them once he was back in Canada. He would honor their reaction and continue to seek the justice that was long overdue him.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
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