Painful Realization

  I came back from seeing D in May/June 2011. It was such a memorable time.
  Both D and I had jumped into this with both feet. We would do whatever it took. We were both strong and focused. I felt it. I knew it.
  By the end of June unpleasant feelings were starting to creep up and I did not appreciate them at the time. I had a sense that D was falling off course. It was not a good feeling. I could envision what would come. We would talk and I would ask him about his documentary, his case and other related topics. The responses were frustrating to say the least.
  D was spending most of his time and energy doing anything and everything but working on his "project". He was filling in the time with "busy work" and giving less to what he was in Canada for.
  It was hard to get in contact with him on a regular basis as he was moving around quite a bit. He did not always have cell phone reception for texting and land lines were not always available for talking. I felt the weave unraveling. The D that left here was not the same D by the beginning of July 2011. His strength was being enveloped by pain.
  This did throw me a curve ball to say the least. It caused me quite a bit of heart ache. A feeling I had not experienced yet with D in our lives as partners. Oh I have had upset moments that lasted a few minutes or at worst a few hours. This was very different. This was days and weeks.
  I was playing ping pong in my head with 2 things. One...the feelings of frustration and hurt as D was off track and losing focus and momentum...I wanted to get him back on track and help him and support him...Two...the gut wrenching feelings of knowing that this was not my journey...I was a passenger and he was the driver...I could not want this for him more than he wanted it for himself...letting him decide to get back on track on his own...wow!
  I had never backed away from helping in some capacity. Now I was. I had to. I had to for him and for me. He needed to figure out what to do because I sure as hell could not drag him along. The most painful part is that I did not want to either. He had to dig very deeply and pull it out of himself if he was going to finish this. He would have to find his driving force. I believed in him. I told him that I was always here 100% and supported his quest. I also told him I would do no more initiating of any sort regarding his "project". I would do anything he asked and give it my all once he was all in! As painful as this was, I am glad I spoke my truth. Resentment would have no place this way.
  This was the reasoning for my lack of BLOG entries. It was no longer coming from within me, my heart, nor my spirit. I could not force it. I knew it would come in due time if it was meant to.
  Here I am and as you have probably noticed...so is D.

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