Please take note that I have made some edits ONLY for the purpose of slipping in an event in a timeline that I had missed. You can go back and read if you'd like. I have posted important changes today in the following posts: Fall 1999-The Turning Point and Y2K-Our First Year Together. Thanks for your patience as I navigate through this new process.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Marriage, Immigration and The Sentence!
January 2001 started out with a BANG! We were getting married and we decided it needed to be ASAP. No, I was not pregnant. We set our date for January 20th.
Our immigration attourney David had warned us that D's charges might carry a very stiff consequence here in the US and that any hopes of permanent resident status could be shattered. D scrambled to get answers. He called a few different places in Canada to speak to someone who could definitively answer that his crime was not one of moral terpitude. Well no such luck. All D would get was a letter stating that his crime was equivalent to that of a misdemeanor. Hopeful!
Wow! A break...we actually got a break! On January 9th David informed us that the US Immigration Dept. would accept the charges as a misdemeanor. They would not see it as a crime of moral terpitude as no weapon had been used to cause the bodily harm.
We were elated. Yes, that's right...we were elated!
We were married on the 21st by a justice of the peace at our apartment clubhouse near the pool. We had an intimate wedding with our closest friends and our family. We understood that the date came very quickly and were grateful for those who could make it. We had such fun. We had our own DJ, bartender and musician AKA friends. We danced until 0300. I had even hired an Elvis impersonator for D as a surprise. We laughed so hard as this short, overweight Elvis entertained us. It was perfect!
By January 25th D had received his INS work visa and by the 29th he had his driver's license, his SS# and a job offer. No job could ever be full time or permanent as the dark cloud was always looming in the distance. We would take everything one day at a time. There was no other choice.
In March D obtained his travel Visa and by April 10th he was back in Canada for his sentencing the following day.
March 11th, 2001 D was sentenced to one year of probation to be carried out in the USA where he lived and a $1500 fine which his mother paid. How grateful we were. My father, his wife, my brother and D's mom were all in the court room for support. I truly believe it paid off to have family present and D's attourney took full advantage.
On April 19th D had a family court issue to attend to. Again nothing accomplished. No specifics noted in my journal entry. By the 20th D was back home and we started planning our life together with a little more certainty.
I will refer to "we" for almost everything that pertains to D and I and anything we acquired while together. The truth of it all is that everything "we" bought was really what "I" bought. D had a lien placed on his credit from Child Maintenance Enforcement. He could buy nothing on credit, could not apply for any credit card nor a loan. It remains this way today. Everything would be according to my credit and my income.
We bought our house in May and took possession in June. During this month we took a road trip with the boys to Canada to attend my father's wedding.
During our stay there, D again went to family court on June 14th. This was initiated by him. His ex-wife was there and was allowed to speak about how she was not prepared and had no legal representation. She went on to say that D had been working and not paying his support payments. She presented a letter from D's trustee stating that he was working last August of 2000 and that was why he was not present for the BK hearing. What a blow! This was not a fact but the judge obviously took it as such as he had a letter in hand. D never saw the letter but attempted to defend that this was not in fact the case but the judge shut him up very quickly and stated he could speak at the "show cause hearing". The judge put the gavel to the wood and said that the hearing would take place in July.
D contacted his trustee regarding this letter. His trustee actually acknowledged that he had in fact made a mistake and wrote that D "had been working" instead of "looking for work". He was sorry.
Just typing out those words bring back a flood of emotions for me. Once I knew the outcome, I was livid, hurt, crying, shouting and so frustrated at the blatant negligence of this trustee. He was sorry! He did not care about D in any way, shape or form. He has a business and he cared about dollars and cents. Why would this surprise me? He had no clue nor did he care to have a clue about the magnitude of what he had done with this error. There was no going back and retracting his error on a document. The damage was done.
Here was D, ever so calm, consistent in his demeanor, professional, upstanding and always loving and caring no matter what had just gone on around him in his world. On the outside he was always steady but eventually what was on the inside would set itself free. Yes? I had an immense amount of respect for him yet there were times when I would have loved to see him scream and shout, get really angry, ball his eyes out, something, to release what was accumulating. How could this man remain sane? I have tears in my eyes and pain in my heart just reflecting on everything this guy went through.
I needed to pause for a moment as I could not see the keyboard.
Well D opted to not show up for his "show cause" hearing in July. I supported him 100% in his decision. If he showed up we were sure he would be thrown in jail until he could produce some money. We did not know how long this would go on for. D had an immigration meeting at INS with our attourney in August and we would not do anything to jeopardize that. We headed back to the US. We knew what consequence our decision would hold.
We concentrated on settling into our new home, designed and created all of our landscaping and managed our family as we both worked. We took pride in our work and made our family life a priority. D was part time and his employer was so flexible. We were always able to be there with the boys.
D had gone to the Department of Economic Security ("DES") to speak to a case worker re: his shild support obligations. A letter had come to our home requesting that he contact DES. The ex-wife was attempting to collect the support owed and sent a document with inaccurate, larger figures on them. No attention was paid to that communique. He started paying what DES was requiring him to pay...$75/mo. D was not hiding nor escaping. DES knew exactly where he was.
9/11/01 happened...we were awakened by a phone call early in the am and were glued to the television in our PJ's/underwear. Jaw dropping to say the least. We all witnessed the second plane hitting the tower. It was very eerie not seeing a single plane in our skies over our city.
November 2001 the AZ Diamondbacks won the World Series! We all shared in that excitement and watched every second of the final game. What a remarkable 9th inning!
2001 came to a close.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
Our immigration attourney David had warned us that D's charges might carry a very stiff consequence here in the US and that any hopes of permanent resident status could be shattered. D scrambled to get answers. He called a few different places in Canada to speak to someone who could definitively answer that his crime was not one of moral terpitude. Well no such luck. All D would get was a letter stating that his crime was equivalent to that of a misdemeanor. Hopeful!
Wow! A break...we actually got a break! On January 9th David informed us that the US Immigration Dept. would accept the charges as a misdemeanor. They would not see it as a crime of moral terpitude as no weapon had been used to cause the bodily harm.
We were elated. Yes, that's right...we were elated!
We were married on the 21st by a justice of the peace at our apartment clubhouse near the pool. We had an intimate wedding with our closest friends and our family. We understood that the date came very quickly and were grateful for those who could make it. We had such fun. We had our own DJ, bartender and musician AKA friends. We danced until 0300. I had even hired an Elvis impersonator for D as a surprise. We laughed so hard as this short, overweight Elvis entertained us. It was perfect!
By January 25th D had received his INS work visa and by the 29th he had his driver's license, his SS# and a job offer. No job could ever be full time or permanent as the dark cloud was always looming in the distance. We would take everything one day at a time. There was no other choice.
In March D obtained his travel Visa and by April 10th he was back in Canada for his sentencing the following day.
March 11th, 2001 D was sentenced to one year of probation to be carried out in the USA where he lived and a $1500 fine which his mother paid. How grateful we were. My father, his wife, my brother and D's mom were all in the court room for support. I truly believe it paid off to have family present and D's attourney took full advantage.
On April 19th D had a family court issue to attend to. Again nothing accomplished. No specifics noted in my journal entry. By the 20th D was back home and we started planning our life together with a little more certainty.
I will refer to "we" for almost everything that pertains to D and I and anything we acquired while together. The truth of it all is that everything "we" bought was really what "I" bought. D had a lien placed on his credit from Child Maintenance Enforcement. He could buy nothing on credit, could not apply for any credit card nor a loan. It remains this way today. Everything would be according to my credit and my income.
We bought our house in May and took possession in June. During this month we took a road trip with the boys to Canada to attend my father's wedding.
During our stay there, D again went to family court on June 14th. This was initiated by him. His ex-wife was there and was allowed to speak about how she was not prepared and had no legal representation. She went on to say that D had been working and not paying his support payments. She presented a letter from D's trustee stating that he was working last August of 2000 and that was why he was not present for the BK hearing. What a blow! This was not a fact but the judge obviously took it as such as he had a letter in hand. D never saw the letter but attempted to defend that this was not in fact the case but the judge shut him up very quickly and stated he could speak at the "show cause hearing". The judge put the gavel to the wood and said that the hearing would take place in July.
D contacted his trustee regarding this letter. His trustee actually acknowledged that he had in fact made a mistake and wrote that D "had been working" instead of "looking for work". He was sorry.
Just typing out those words bring back a flood of emotions for me. Once I knew the outcome, I was livid, hurt, crying, shouting and so frustrated at the blatant negligence of this trustee. He was sorry! He did not care about D in any way, shape or form. He has a business and he cared about dollars and cents. Why would this surprise me? He had no clue nor did he care to have a clue about the magnitude of what he had done with this error. There was no going back and retracting his error on a document. The damage was done.
Here was D, ever so calm, consistent in his demeanor, professional, upstanding and always loving and caring no matter what had just gone on around him in his world. On the outside he was always steady but eventually what was on the inside would set itself free. Yes? I had an immense amount of respect for him yet there were times when I would have loved to see him scream and shout, get really angry, ball his eyes out, something, to release what was accumulating. How could this man remain sane? I have tears in my eyes and pain in my heart just reflecting on everything this guy went through.
I needed to pause for a moment as I could not see the keyboard.
Well D opted to not show up for his "show cause" hearing in July. I supported him 100% in his decision. If he showed up we were sure he would be thrown in jail until he could produce some money. We did not know how long this would go on for. D had an immigration meeting at INS with our attourney in August and we would not do anything to jeopardize that. We headed back to the US. We knew what consequence our decision would hold.
We concentrated on settling into our new home, designed and created all of our landscaping and managed our family as we both worked. We took pride in our work and made our family life a priority. D was part time and his employer was so flexible. We were always able to be there with the boys.
D had gone to the Department of Economic Security ("DES") to speak to a case worker re: his shild support obligations. A letter had come to our home requesting that he contact DES. The ex-wife was attempting to collect the support owed and sent a document with inaccurate, larger figures on them. No attention was paid to that communique. He started paying what DES was requiring him to pay...$75/mo. D was not hiding nor escaping. DES knew exactly where he was.
9/11/01 happened...we were awakened by a phone call early in the am and were glued to the television in our PJ's/underwear. Jaw dropping to say the least. We all witnessed the second plane hitting the tower. It was very eerie not seeing a single plane in our skies over our city.
November 2001 the AZ Diamondbacks won the World Series! We all shared in that excitement and watched every second of the final game. What a remarkable 9th inning!
2001 came to a close.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Y2K...Our First Year Together
The new "family unit" was becoming a familiar way to live as time went on. It was fantastic. D blended in beautifully. It was so great to have a partner in life and a male figure in the household for the boys. Their father was a part of their lives but not on a consistent level. Our door was always open to Paul. We made every effort possible to include him and to encourage his involvement.
In the spring D returned by car to Canada for his brother's wedding and to take care of some legal issues. D's bankruptcy ("BK") was opposed by his ex-wife claiming that he was attempting to get out of paying his support payments. D knew full well the BK would not discharge him of his support obligation. However, the opposition delayed the BK and the trustee told D he had to hire an experienced lawyer due to the type of person his ex-wife was. He seemed to think that she would not back down. He also shared that this lawyer was not cheap. No closure was reached despite the high priced, experienced attourney and a lien was placed on D's share of the value of the marital home. The trustee would take his share once the home was sold. This was the home that was ordered to be sold, but never was. The ex-wife had later managed to legally halt the sale until the youngest child would turn 18.
D sold the Ford Festiva and flew back. We prepared ourselves for a road trip. We were going up the West Coast and through Canada back to Manitoba. We would be gone for 5 weeks.
I was working as a full time school nurse and had the most awesome schedule. 8 weeks off in the summer. Wow! I could be with my kids almost 100% of the time they were not in school. Being a full time mom to my boys meant more to me than anything. I took a huge pay cut with this job but it was worth it in time.
I had tears in my eyes when I first signed my contract in Oct., 1998 as I had never made that little amount of money ($28,600.00 annually) as a nurse and was unsure how it would all unfold as a single parent. We would find out.
Here we were 18 mos later and we had an abundant life. I lived in a good area in a 2 bedroom apartment, I owned a van, a camper, saved for retirement, saved for vacations, wanted for nothing and had the most wonderful family I could ask for. Income was relative. We choose what it is relative to.
D of course could not work as he was a visitor. He contributed in so many more ways than he ever knew. The value of everything we had together could not be measured by a dollar figure.
Our trip was amazing and my cousin Anita joined us. We visited our families and our friends all along the way. We immersed ourselves in fun and laughter.
We spent the summer finalizing various things.
Legal documents were signed in order to protect me and my children from any attempt by D's ex-wife to collect anything from us in any way possible. I became a Citizen of the USA on July 21st and was very content about that. My boys were automatic citizens as well. We now had dual citizenship. D and I were open to any and all possibilities of a future together. D even convinced me to buy a computer for the family as the boys would greatly benefit. Access to technology for education was key. You have to know me to realize that this was a milestone for me.
We started thinking about a new place to live and started looking at other apartments as well as houses. We were envisioning where we would be. Nothing could be certain as there were several things pending yet that could crash down on us at any time. The cloud followed us everywhere we went. It was ever present.
August arrived. The trustee had informed D a few months back that there would be some type of hearing regarding the opposing of the BK in August but that D did not need to be there. This was good news. So we thought. It came out later that the trustee actually stated that D was looking for work in the US, thus his absence. D could not work in the US as he was a visitor with no legal status whatsoever. He certainly would not be looking for work. It was quite clear that this professional had really not been paying attention to his client nor his client's situation. Nothing was resolved and the BK remained opposed.
I spent the rest of 2000 delving into course work and taking classes that would be credited toward my ongoing education and in turn equate to an increased salary. I reached the maximum pay level within one year. This was a significant increase without changing a single thing in the type of job I had. We considered ourselves so fortunate.
By December D was yet again back in Canada to face the results of his assault charges. He would also take the opportunity to drop off gifts for his children at their school and speak to his son's teacher. This of course was after school hours as he could not be anywhere near his children. D was consistent in sending cards at holidays and birthdays.
On Dec. 20th, 2000, D was found guilty of assault causing bodily harm. My heart sank to my gut when he uttered those words on the phone that evening.
He would be sentenced in the new year.
I picked him up at the airport on December 21st. His connecting flight was delayed and he would arrive hours later. One of the longest waits I have experienced.
By 2330 I was hugging him so tightly. Tomorrow would be a new day.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
In the spring D returned by car to Canada for his brother's wedding and to take care of some legal issues. D's bankruptcy ("BK") was opposed by his ex-wife claiming that he was attempting to get out of paying his support payments. D knew full well the BK would not discharge him of his support obligation. However, the opposition delayed the BK and the trustee told D he had to hire an experienced lawyer due to the type of person his ex-wife was. He seemed to think that she would not back down. He also shared that this lawyer was not cheap. No closure was reached despite the high priced, experienced attourney and a lien was placed on D's share of the value of the marital home. The trustee would take his share once the home was sold. This was the home that was ordered to be sold, but never was. The ex-wife had later managed to legally halt the sale until the youngest child would turn 18.
D sold the Ford Festiva and flew back. We prepared ourselves for a road trip. We were going up the West Coast and through Canada back to Manitoba. We would be gone for 5 weeks.
I was working as a full time school nurse and had the most awesome schedule. 8 weeks off in the summer. Wow! I could be with my kids almost 100% of the time they were not in school. Being a full time mom to my boys meant more to me than anything. I took a huge pay cut with this job but it was worth it in time.
I had tears in my eyes when I first signed my contract in Oct., 1998 as I had never made that little amount of money ($28,600.00 annually) as a nurse and was unsure how it would all unfold as a single parent. We would find out.
Here we were 18 mos later and we had an abundant life. I lived in a good area in a 2 bedroom apartment, I owned a van, a camper, saved for retirement, saved for vacations, wanted for nothing and had the most wonderful family I could ask for. Income was relative. We choose what it is relative to.
D of course could not work as he was a visitor. He contributed in so many more ways than he ever knew. The value of everything we had together could not be measured by a dollar figure.
Our trip was amazing and my cousin Anita joined us. We visited our families and our friends all along the way. We immersed ourselves in fun and laughter.
We spent the summer finalizing various things.
Legal documents were signed in order to protect me and my children from any attempt by D's ex-wife to collect anything from us in any way possible. I became a Citizen of the USA on July 21st and was very content about that. My boys were automatic citizens as well. We now had dual citizenship. D and I were open to any and all possibilities of a future together. D even convinced me to buy a computer for the family as the boys would greatly benefit. Access to technology for education was key. You have to know me to realize that this was a milestone for me.
We started thinking about a new place to live and started looking at other apartments as well as houses. We were envisioning where we would be. Nothing could be certain as there were several things pending yet that could crash down on us at any time. The cloud followed us everywhere we went. It was ever present.
August arrived. The trustee had informed D a few months back that there would be some type of hearing regarding the opposing of the BK in August but that D did not need to be there. This was good news. So we thought. It came out later that the trustee actually stated that D was looking for work in the US, thus his absence. D could not work in the US as he was a visitor with no legal status whatsoever. He certainly would not be looking for work. It was quite clear that this professional had really not been paying attention to his client nor his client's situation. Nothing was resolved and the BK remained opposed.
I spent the rest of 2000 delving into course work and taking classes that would be credited toward my ongoing education and in turn equate to an increased salary. I reached the maximum pay level within one year. This was a significant increase without changing a single thing in the type of job I had. We considered ourselves so fortunate.
By December D was yet again back in Canada to face the results of his assault charges. He would also take the opportunity to drop off gifts for his children at their school and speak to his son's teacher. This of course was after school hours as he could not be anywhere near his children. D was consistent in sending cards at holidays and birthdays.
On Dec. 20th, 2000, D was found guilty of assault causing bodily harm. My heart sank to my gut when he uttered those words on the phone that evening.
He would be sentenced in the new year.
I picked him up at the airport on December 21st. His connecting flight was delayed and he would arrive hours later. One of the longest waits I have experienced.
By 2330 I was hugging him so tightly. Tomorrow would be a new day.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Leaving Canada...
I received a call from D late one evening on November 11th, 1999. He stated that he had done something he was not proud of. He had gotten into a fight with an individual named Barry who was a friend of a family member and had provided the ex-wife at some point with inside information. This was not surprising to D as it was indicative of his character. I did not know this man. D had allowed his emotions to get the best of him and it came to a head that night. Several people were indirectly involved in the incident but it was D who made the decision to go to where Barry was, knowing there might be a confrontation. Barry had a knife, they became entangled, there was a struggle and before long it was over. D left the house where it took place. I did not condone the actions D opted to take but was supportive in moving beyond this incident. This was not D's character, however he was responsible for the choice he made. He owned it too.
December 1999 was a month to remember. D would take a leave of absence from his full time position at Canada Post to come to the states. We decided that he should see how things went before making any permanent decisions to leave his employment and homeland permanently. He arrived here in the evening on December 10th with his bicycle and a suitcase of clothes. He had driven straight through in his Ford Festiva. I am laughing as I write. He was taking the descent on I-10 from the San Fransisco Peaks at about 70-80mph and the car was shaking so badly but did not care as he just wanted to "get there." That he did. He felt bow legged and fatigued but I hugged him so tightly when I opened the apartment door. I was smiling all evening.
Barry had sustained a few injuries that had landed him in the hospital. D was in turn charged with assault.
We were unsure how the assault charges would affect him. The consequence of his actions would be determined in the months to come. For now he could remain in the US with us. We embraced every day that we were together.
Happy New Year 2000!
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
December 1999 was a month to remember. D would take a leave of absence from his full time position at Canada Post to come to the states. We decided that he should see how things went before making any permanent decisions to leave his employment and homeland permanently. He arrived here in the evening on December 10th with his bicycle and a suitcase of clothes. He had driven straight through in his Ford Festiva. I am laughing as I write. He was taking the descent on I-10 from the San Fransisco Peaks at about 70-80mph and the car was shaking so badly but did not care as he just wanted to "get there." That he did. He felt bow legged and fatigued but I hugged him so tightly when I opened the apartment door. I was smiling all evening.
Barry had sustained a few injuries that had landed him in the hospital. D was in turn charged with assault.
We were unsure how the assault charges would affect him. The consequence of his actions would be determined in the months to come. For now he could remain in the US with us. We embraced every day that we were together.
Happy New Year 2000!
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Fall 1999...The Turning Point
By October 1999 D and I had burned up the phone lines. I wanted to see him and flew in for a weekend on October 8th.
We spent every waking moment living life together for 3 days. We loved each other. I have very fond memories of that short getaway.
We had cruised around in his "loaned out" car from place to place. D was 6'2", weighed over 200 lbs and drove a Ford Festiva. We laughed many times about this and as I type I am smiling still. His aunt Agnes was gracious and kind enough to lend it to him as he was left with nothing more than a suticase of clothing and a few personal items. D had shared that the ex-wife had the house, everything in the house, the car, half of all of the retirement monies and the kids. She also received child support and alimony totaling approximately $1000/mo. This was not enough. It would never be enough. This was an individual who had made sexual abuse allegations against D. Their beautiful, precious daughter, at the hands of her mother, without D knowing (in the beginning), was taken to "specialists" and underwent testing, questioning and physical assessments. There was a trial and D "won" the trial. What an oxymoron. There had been no proof of any abuse and all investigation led to negative findings. The judge (finally one who was looking at the whole picture) had mentioned her thoughts of placing the mother in jail and giving full custody to the father. This would never be the case. Eventually the ex-wife placed a formal complaint against this judge and she could never sit in on their case again. This legal battle was favoring the alienating parent at the cost of the children.
Time stood still it seemed. D had not seen his son and daughter in 6 months yet he was paying in full, his child support and his alimony. This dark cloud was getting larger.
We spoke in depth about our future together and pondered me moving to Canada vs him moving to the USA. Were I to move, my income could be used as household income and a portion could possibly be allocated to the increasing support should the ex-wife choose to take it to court. Well we certainly knew that would be highly probable. All conversations circled back to his children. In the end it was about them.
He missed them terribly and felt he wanted to try to get somewhere in the legal system before making any decisions. D had paid over $40K in support, over $20K in legal fees and owed the attourneys another $30K. He also had a credit card debt of approximately $5K (NOTICE: the attourneys' fees were higher than the support costs...this money could have been shared among the parents...these legal battles cause irreparable damage to the children and the firms stay in business). Prior to my knowing him, D had lived on welfare for a year due to court ordered support payments that were the result of false income statements. The Maintenance Enforcement Act allowed wages to be garnished as long as the individual who owed support was left with $250.00/mo to live on. This was legal and it was very real. I saw the actual scale on paper. I was dumbfounded. D's family was so supportive. The emotional support was crucial. I am grateful he had the family that he did. I only knew bits and pieces of this ordeal and it did not take a rocket scientist to figure out the gross injustice that had taken place and was continuing to occur. I would read some of the legal documents or hear the goings on and would simply shake my head in disbelief. It was amazing to me that this was allowed to continue within the court system. Was no one paying attention? It baffled my mind to say the least. What apathy!
The kind, gentle, sensitive man that I had grown to love and know was beyond broke and was becoming "broken". He was a man of honor and he would have to make some gut wrenching decisions. D filed Bankrupt in the Fall of 1999.
Shortly thereafter he managed to get a court date in family court and represented himself. His main goal was to attempt to make some progress, no matter how small, toward reunification with his children. The judge clearly stated that no decision would be made that day and D did not even have the opportunity to utter one single word. He was so upset. This would allow more time to pass and the alienation would gain strength. Some of his extended family was in the court room for support. They could not believe the injustice that had just occurred. They had lost all faith in the so called "justice system".
D wanted to fight for what was just and reunify with his kids but that was becoming increasingly more and more difficult. He could not live on what was left at the end of the month. He had no money to pay an attourney. The court system was and is part of the illness of parent alienation. The attorneys, judges, psychologists etc. do not understand the magnitude of this problem. Few are specialists in the area. You are a number on any given day. The docket is full. Next!
D decided to go visit the psychologist, Dr. G who had been involved at some level during this ongoing court battle between he and his ex-wife. D was so torn. She basically told him that from what she knew of his ex-wife, this would never end. She supported him in wanting a life. D shared with her that his son was already becoming physically ill from all of this. The school teacher had expressed this concern earlier in the Fall. The children were already alienated from D and it was getting worse as time went on. She encouraged him to take care of himself as well. He wanted to end the pain and suffering his children had gone through during the course of this lengthy court battle. 10 months or so had passed since he last saw his son and daughter.
A decision was reached. Child/spousal support payments would stop and he would leave Canada.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
We spent every waking moment living life together for 3 days. We loved each other. I have very fond memories of that short getaway.
We had cruised around in his "loaned out" car from place to place. D was 6'2", weighed over 200 lbs and drove a Ford Festiva. We laughed many times about this and as I type I am smiling still. His aunt Agnes was gracious and kind enough to lend it to him as he was left with nothing more than a suticase of clothing and a few personal items. D had shared that the ex-wife had the house, everything in the house, the car, half of all of the retirement monies and the kids. She also received child support and alimony totaling approximately $1000/mo. This was not enough. It would never be enough. This was an individual who had made sexual abuse allegations against D. Their beautiful, precious daughter, at the hands of her mother, without D knowing (in the beginning), was taken to "specialists" and underwent testing, questioning and physical assessments. There was a trial and D "won" the trial. What an oxymoron. There had been no proof of any abuse and all investigation led to negative findings. The judge (finally one who was looking at the whole picture) had mentioned her thoughts of placing the mother in jail and giving full custody to the father. This would never be the case. Eventually the ex-wife placed a formal complaint against this judge and she could never sit in on their case again. This legal battle was favoring the alienating parent at the cost of the children.
Time stood still it seemed. D had not seen his son and daughter in 6 months yet he was paying in full, his child support and his alimony. This dark cloud was getting larger.
We spoke in depth about our future together and pondered me moving to Canada vs him moving to the USA. Were I to move, my income could be used as household income and a portion could possibly be allocated to the increasing support should the ex-wife choose to take it to court. Well we certainly knew that would be highly probable. All conversations circled back to his children. In the end it was about them.
He missed them terribly and felt he wanted to try to get somewhere in the legal system before making any decisions. D had paid over $40K in support, over $20K in legal fees and owed the attourneys another $30K. He also had a credit card debt of approximately $5K (NOTICE: the attourneys' fees were higher than the support costs...this money could have been shared among the parents...these legal battles cause irreparable damage to the children and the firms stay in business). Prior to my knowing him, D had lived on welfare for a year due to court ordered support payments that were the result of false income statements. The Maintenance Enforcement Act allowed wages to be garnished as long as the individual who owed support was left with $250.00/mo to live on. This was legal and it was very real. I saw the actual scale on paper. I was dumbfounded. D's family was so supportive. The emotional support was crucial. I am grateful he had the family that he did. I only knew bits and pieces of this ordeal and it did not take a rocket scientist to figure out the gross injustice that had taken place and was continuing to occur. I would read some of the legal documents or hear the goings on and would simply shake my head in disbelief. It was amazing to me that this was allowed to continue within the court system. Was no one paying attention? It baffled my mind to say the least. What apathy!
The kind, gentle, sensitive man that I had grown to love and know was beyond broke and was becoming "broken". He was a man of honor and he would have to make some gut wrenching decisions. D filed Bankrupt in the Fall of 1999.
Shortly thereafter he managed to get a court date in family court and represented himself. His main goal was to attempt to make some progress, no matter how small, toward reunification with his children. The judge clearly stated that no decision would be made that day and D did not even have the opportunity to utter one single word. He was so upset. This would allow more time to pass and the alienation would gain strength. Some of his extended family was in the court room for support. They could not believe the injustice that had just occurred. They had lost all faith in the so called "justice system".
D wanted to fight for what was just and reunify with his kids but that was becoming increasingly more and more difficult. He could not live on what was left at the end of the month. He had no money to pay an attourney. The court system was and is part of the illness of parent alienation. The attorneys, judges, psychologists etc. do not understand the magnitude of this problem. Few are specialists in the area. You are a number on any given day. The docket is full. Next!
D decided to go visit the psychologist, Dr. G who had been involved at some level during this ongoing court battle between he and his ex-wife. D was so torn. She basically told him that from what she knew of his ex-wife, this would never end. She supported him in wanting a life. D shared with her that his son was already becoming physically ill from all of this. The school teacher had expressed this concern earlier in the Fall. The children were already alienated from D and it was getting worse as time went on. She encouraged him to take care of himself as well. He wanted to end the pain and suffering his children had gone through during the course of this lengthy court battle. 10 months or so had passed since he last saw his son and daughter.
A decision was reached. Child/spousal support payments would stop and he would leave Canada.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
D's Vacation to the USA.
Once back home I found myself missing D quite a bit. I had a great job, good friends and loved being the mom to my two imaginative, healthy boys. I loved my life and was unsure how it would unfold with us living countries apart. D flew in to see us for two weeks on August 21st, 1999.
He volunteered at the school I worked at, we took a road trip to Vegas, he met some friends of ours and we spent endless hours swimming and playing in our community pool with the boys. We wanted a future together. No concrete plans were made yet on how that would be made possible. We would enjoy what we had.
I had joint custody of the boys but they were with me full time. Their father Paul lived within a mile of them...however was on a different path in life than we were. Our home was always open to him and I knew he loved his children tremendously. I welcomed him when I saw him and respect for one another was key. We both honored our children and wanted their world to be as painless as was possible in a divorced situation. I loved him as their father and as a person. I wanted a good life for him as well.
I informed Paul back in June that I had met someone and that I was in a relationship with this person. It was important to me that he meet the person that had been and would be spending time with his children. They did meet. We were all respectful of each other and spent a little time together. The boys' emotional and psychological wellbeing was my absolute priority. I believed we were all on the same page as far as that was concerned. I was truly grateful for how Paul handled the news. He placed his children ahead of himself. I am grateful to this day.
The vacation for D came to an end and we found ourselves 2000 miles apart once again.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
He volunteered at the school I worked at, we took a road trip to Vegas, he met some friends of ours and we spent endless hours swimming and playing in our community pool with the boys. We wanted a future together. No concrete plans were made yet on how that would be made possible. We would enjoy what we had.
I had joint custody of the boys but they were with me full time. Their father Paul lived within a mile of them...however was on a different path in life than we were. Our home was always open to him and I knew he loved his children tremendously. I welcomed him when I saw him and respect for one another was key. We both honored our children and wanted their world to be as painless as was possible in a divorced situation. I loved him as their father and as a person. I wanted a good life for him as well.
I informed Paul back in June that I had met someone and that I was in a relationship with this person. It was important to me that he meet the person that had been and would be spending time with his children. They did meet. We were all respectful of each other and spent a little time together. The boys' emotional and psychological wellbeing was my absolute priority. I believed we were all on the same page as far as that was concerned. I was truly grateful for how Paul handled the news. He placed his children ahead of himself. I am grateful to this day.
The vacation for D came to an end and we found ourselves 2000 miles apart once again.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Where Our Journey Began
I met D on June 12th of 1999 through a mutual friend of ours. We were set up and neither of us was prepared for this type of "blind" meeting. Both of us were nervous and did not expect anything to go beyond a hello and a few words. I was actually upset with my friend Tammy for springing this on me once I arrived at her house warming party. I lived in the USA and was only in Canada visiting family for a few weeks and D lived in Canada with no intention of ever leaving. We spoke a few cordial words at the party and that was it. We mingled with several other people throughout the evening and went our separate ways.
I was divorced 2 years earlier and spent my time focused on raising my 2 wonderful, energetic sons. D, I knew was also divorced and had 2 children that he hadn't seen for a few months. D's brother Steve, whom I'd also just met, actually spoke to me at length at this house party and expressed to me that he didn't know anyone that could go through what his brother was going through and not be filled with anger and hatred. He said good things about his brother.
I was intrigued by the fact that we barely spoke. I pondered calling him for several days. I figured I might at least gain another friend. I did not have to call as I ran into him a few days later.
We conversed for a short while that evening, agreed on maybe getting together for a coffee and again, parted ways.
The coffee date came and went. We talked until 0100. I have a vivid memory of D speaking about his children and his ex wife and never once becoming angry or upset talking about her. He said nothing derogatory. This impressed me and I wanted to get to know him better.
We spent as much time as we could together. One afternoon D called me and I happened to be in his end of town with my boys. I asked about possibly having coffee. He said sure and asked where. I said, "Well I was thinking your place." He paused and said in an uncertain tone, "My place?" I continued, "Yes your place unless you don't want us to come to your place?" I found this a little odd. D agreed and we met him at his one bedroom apartment.
The reason he had not wanted us to come to his place was because his apartment had been furnished with hand me down furniture and appliances as well as an old couch that was ready for the dump. He pointed out that the VCR was a gift to his children from their paternal grandfather. He owned nothing but his bicylcle parked in the kitchen and a few items of clothing. He continued to say that he really had nothing to offer to anyone and would understand if I would say goodbye now. All of his earnings were being spent on child/spousal support and his custody battle for his children. He did not care about anything material at that point. My heart went to him. I so felt his pain.
I was really starting to care about this very gentle, soft spoken and humble person. He was good with my kids, respectful to my family, close to his family and he was such a gentleman.
We went to the movies, the Pan Am pool, BBQ's, his mother's lake cottage, we camped with my family, I met his family and friends, we golfed, we went out to eat, we laughed, we conversed and I was falling in love. July 7th I wrote in my journal that it was so great to be with him and that, "He seems to be too good to be true. Only time will tell I guess." July 9th read, "He feels so right. What a great mate. He's fantastic with the kids too. It seems almost impossible that I have come across Mr. Right."
I had been treated with such respect and kindness. I extended my vacation until the 26th of July. I did not want my vacation to end.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
I was divorced 2 years earlier and spent my time focused on raising my 2 wonderful, energetic sons. D, I knew was also divorced and had 2 children that he hadn't seen for a few months. D's brother Steve, whom I'd also just met, actually spoke to me at length at this house party and expressed to me that he didn't know anyone that could go through what his brother was going through and not be filled with anger and hatred. He said good things about his brother.
I was intrigued by the fact that we barely spoke. I pondered calling him for several days. I figured I might at least gain another friend. I did not have to call as I ran into him a few days later.
We conversed for a short while that evening, agreed on maybe getting together for a coffee and again, parted ways.
The coffee date came and went. We talked until 0100. I have a vivid memory of D speaking about his children and his ex wife and never once becoming angry or upset talking about her. He said nothing derogatory. This impressed me and I wanted to get to know him better.
We spent as much time as we could together. One afternoon D called me and I happened to be in his end of town with my boys. I asked about possibly having coffee. He said sure and asked where. I said, "Well I was thinking your place." He paused and said in an uncertain tone, "My place?" I continued, "Yes your place unless you don't want us to come to your place?" I found this a little odd. D agreed and we met him at his one bedroom apartment.
The reason he had not wanted us to come to his place was because his apartment had been furnished with hand me down furniture and appliances as well as an old couch that was ready for the dump. He pointed out that the VCR was a gift to his children from their paternal grandfather. He owned nothing but his bicylcle parked in the kitchen and a few items of clothing. He continued to say that he really had nothing to offer to anyone and would understand if I would say goodbye now. All of his earnings were being spent on child/spousal support and his custody battle for his children. He did not care about anything material at that point. My heart went to him. I so felt his pain.
I was really starting to care about this very gentle, soft spoken and humble person. He was good with my kids, respectful to my family, close to his family and he was such a gentleman.
We went to the movies, the Pan Am pool, BBQ's, his mother's lake cottage, we camped with my family, I met his family and friends, we golfed, we went out to eat, we laughed, we conversed and I was falling in love. July 7th I wrote in my journal that it was so great to be with him and that, "He seems to be too good to be true. Only time will tell I guess." July 9th read, "He feels so right. What a great mate. He's fantastic with the kids too. It seems almost impossible that I have come across Mr. Right."
I had been treated with such respect and kindness. I extended my vacation until the 26th of July. I did not want my vacation to end.
PLEASE check out our resource links in the TOP RIGHT hand corner. These resources will include both Parent Alienation/Syndrome information as well as support for divorced families.
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